When Violence Begins Before the First Punch: Understanding Men to Protect Women

On days dedicated to combating violence against women, we rightly focus on victims, statistics, and the wounds that mark lives. Yet one crucial perspective is often missing: why do so many men become violent? Where does this fracture originate, and what does society teach—or prevent them from learning—that fosters contempt and, at times, aggression toward women?

Male violence rarely appears suddenly. It begins long before the first insult, the first shove, the first raised hand. It starts in childhood, in playgrounds and classrooms, in the subtle messages children absorb without realizing it.

Growing Up in a World That Teaches Shame

Boys are raised in a society that rarely teaches them how to be men; it teaches them how to avoid anything deemed feminine or “girly.” From the age of five, they learn that crying is for girls, that showing weakness is shameful, that liking pink or playing with dolls is forbidden. Shame becomes the lens through which they see themselves: a behavior, an interest, an emotion can make them “less of a man.”

In this narrow, suffocating framework, the feminine becomes a threat. When the gentler, more sensitive parts of their identity are forbidden, disdained, and ridiculed, that contempt often spills outward—onto women. Many grow up not knowing how to face their own vulnerability, their own fear, or their own desires. And when these feelings cannot be expressed safely, they manifest as anger, control, and sometimes violence.

When the Feminine Becomes the Enemy

If boys are taught from the start that femininity is weak or ridiculous, how will they learn to see women as equals? Many men internalize lessons that teach them to:
• despise vulnerability in others because they despise it in themselves
• view gentleness as a threat to identity
• perceive emotional dependence as danger
• interpret rejection as humiliation
• see female autonomy as a challenge to their masculinity

At the core of violence is often fear: fear of inadequacy, fear of losing control, fear of failing the narrow standards of masculinity they have internalized. And when self-loathing has no outlet, it finds expression in domination.

Fragile Masculinity Turned Violent

Men are rarely permitted to be vulnerable, yet they live with vulnerability. They are discouraged from weakness, yet they feel fear. They are told not to depend, yet they experience loss as annihilation.

When these forbidden emotions erupt, they often take the form of control, possession, and aggression. This is not an innate trait; it is cultural. The training starts early, invisible yet powerful, shaping who men believe they must be—and who they perceive women must be.

Raising Men Differently

Reducing violence requires more than protecting women. It requires freeing men from the cage society has built around them. Men must learn that strength does not mean suppressing emotion, that being a man does not mean despising the feminine, and that masculinity is not a competition with women but a responsibility to oneself and others.

Education must:
• allow boys to cry without shame
• encourage empathy, tenderness, and emotional honesty
• stop ridiculing traits associated with the feminine
• teach that mutual respect outweighs control and domination

A man who is not afraid of his own emotions will not feel the need to dominate the emotions of others. A man who accepts his vulnerability will not despise vulnerability in those around him. A man who does not see femininity as a threat will not feel compelled to control or destroy it.

The Cultural Roots of Violence

Violence does not originate in the first punch; it begins long before, in the words children hear, the unspoken rules of society, and the fear and shame they internalize. It grows quietly, almost invisibly, until it explodes into aggression.

To prevent violence, society must intervene at the earliest stage: in classrooms, playgrounds, homes, and media messages. Boys must be shown that emotions are not weakness, that care is not cowardice, that respecting others is not a threat.

Freeing Men to Protect Women

On this International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, we must remember a crucial truth: the struggle is cultural. It is not only about protecting victims, but about transforming society—and men—before they become perpetrators.

To free women, we must free men first. Only then can we create a society where strength coexists with vulnerability, where masculinity and femininity are not enemies, and where fear no longer masquerades as power.

And in that society, violence will have nowhere to take root—because respect and empathy will have been taught long before the first punch is ever thrown

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